The Bus Trip

The bus trip that took me to my mother was a journey of mixed emotions.

It was a ride I loved because for every minute that I was on that bus, I was a minute closer to seeing my mother again. Spending valuable time with her, even if neither of us said very much, just sitting and watching her made me happy.

At the same time, I hated the bus ride; yes, it took me closer to my mum, but that also meant it brought me closer to the hospital she was in. A stark reminder that mum was dying of cancer.

I knew she was dying at that time because although she had one breast removed, she refused to attend appointments to have the treatments required to fight the cancer. She continued to live her life saying, “She’ll be right.”

I hated the fact that the bus ride took me closer to a person fading away before my eyes, who coughed more with the sounds of emphysema caused by the breast cancer, that had spread to her lungs before destroying the rest of her body. Despite having a strong stomach, I couldn’t help but cringe when she coughed, choked and spluttered.

I never really paid attention to which route the bus took. Never saw the people on the bus, or even noticed the traffic outside the windows. The businesses along the streets were a blurry haze. Despite this, the trip is forever embellished in my mind; the various directions, the long straight bits, and the final turn before I arrived at that memorable stop where the bus and I parted company.

The turmoil of dread-filled excitement magnified ten-fold as I crossed the busy road and down the long walkway to the main entrance of the hospital, all the while glancing back at the bus, now on its way to the next stop. How I longed for this experience to not be part of my life; for me to not have to be here.

I wanted so badly to go back on that bus, to instead be heading elsewhere, spending time with a much healthier mum, rather than dealing with the prospect of saying good-bye all too soon.

She had promised me she’d live till a hundred.

A few years on, I still feel cheated.