God’s gentle nudge

I was angry; insanely angry.  Murderously angry.

I have been de-cluttering for years at a comfortable pace, but with new goals in mind with future plans that would greatly improve my life and my happiness, I sped up the pace.  In recent months especially, I wasn’t just de-cluttering, I was culling; not just getting rid of things that I wasn’t using, but getting rid of things that I loved immensely.  An internal tug-of-war happened on a daily basis now about my belongings, but I knew if I wanted my future plans to manifest, I had to make huge sacrifices.

So when a recent inspection was looming, I was pleased with myself.  The amount of things I got rid of made a big difference in my place already.  My place wasn’t overly cluttered just rather messy, but I expected the person to still be happy with my achievements because of the difference compared to the last time she visited seven months previously.

You could imagine my distress and overly hurt feelings when the person who came to inspect my place acted disappointed.  She even stated that she’s going to have to start visiting me monthly again to pick up the pace.

I was infuriated.  I’m not 100% anyway, dealing with the lymphoedema in both my legs, IBS which constantly slowed me down (until my starting the FODMAP diet recently), tendonitis in one arm and shoulder, I can only work at a certain speed, so I thought she’d be as proud as I am, but she seems to have forgotten my physical limitations.

For the two days following the inspection, I was angry enough that, if I had it in me, I could have killed her, but I’m not that type of person.  I’m someone that believes that everyone has a right to live and if they don’t, it’s not my place to take their life from them.  But this didn’t stop me plotting her demise if only to cheer  me up a little with my various thoughts of revenge and how I would get back at her.

During this time, I continued to pray and talk to God as I always do (and how I can talk to God on one hand and still plot murder on the other hand is beyond me, but I managed it somehow).  I would vent to Him:  “How dare she not be pleased with my achievements!  How could she come here with that attitude.”  I can’t tell you the level of hurt I was feeling, and I started to go down a self destructive path:  eating foods I’m allergic too, polished off half a bottle of wine (for me, this is a massive amount.. even though it took me a good half a day to do.  One mouthful of wine leaves me in all sorts of pain as my body disagrees with it and gives me all the symptoms of a full blown flu including sore muscles, aching joints as well as triggering massive stomach cramps not to mention what it does to my head, so you can imagine what half a bottle of wine did to me) and basically sulk for two days wanting to quit everything I was doing.

Clearly, I didn’t pick up on the hint God was giving me, so He basically had to spell it out for me.

So last night, during my evening prayers, I was interrupted mid prayer with His answer. It was a combination of images and flashback of snapshot moments, replaying certain scenes, but in a way to help me understand His intentions, when I translate everything that was shown to me, the dialogue (as close as I can translate it to) is something like this:

“You asked me to get you to a property that’s your very own, be it one that you win or one that you work hard to get.  You’re ready to live on the land, and I’m trying to help you with this.  You’ve only got less than a year to get a car and license, and at the rate you’re sorting, you’ll be here for the next decade, do you really want that?  You’re ready to go NOW, how many times have you reminded me of that?  I’m trying to tell you that you need to speed it up a little.  You seem to take everything Ruth says and her opinions to heart, so I decided to speak through her.  Didn’t you hear her say she wanted you to speed things up?  That was me talking through her.  Ruth is very pleased with all that you’ve done but she couldn’t show you this because she wants you to up your game and ‘I’ want you to up your game.  I can’t help you until you’re ready, and right now, you’re far from ready.  You still have a lot to sort through and not a lot of time to do it.  Speed it up!”

My final vision last night was of me sleeping on a plot of land (not roughly, I had camping equipment), which meant that what I want, I have to work very hard for.  I got that.  Almost immediately, all the anger and hurt feelings that I had for two days dissipated.  I was able to go to sleep in peace without any turmoil of emotions.

This was backed up in a dream I had where the pope was visiting nearby and I had a chance to cry on the his shoulder about everything that upset me.  The Pope patted me on the shoulders before moving onto the next person in distress.

I had to google this.  I had no clue what it meant to have the pope in my dreams, especially with such an intense interaction. There were two different meanings that I could find, the second one didn’t interest me as I don’t see myself as above all, but the first one  hit closer to home; spiritual guidance, and since that’s something I do get frequently (just not in the form of the Pope), I knew that was the  meaning of the dream.

So basically my guardian angels and angelic messengers were backing up what God basically was spelling out to me the previous evening before bed.

Feeling emotionally refreshed, and physically re-energized, I’m ready once again to tackle my task of going through my belongings and continue to make more sacrifices.

That saying is true, God does help those who help themselves, but we have to be ready for that help and we have to prove that we are helping ourselves before God bestows his miracles upon us.

Despite being a pauper; a disabled person on a Government pension, I KNOW I WILL one day own a home of my own where I’ll be truly happy and God just had to give me a gentle nudge to remind me of that and to add to my strength of will.