Self Reflection

For my friends on Facebook, you won’t need to read this, it’s only been altered slightly just to look tidier.

In recent days, I’ve decided to go around the 40 year home owner drought by buying a plot of land and building my own house (albeit with professional builders since my own movements are limited), and for a period of about 5 minutes, I’ve been kicking myself.

“Why didn’t I start these plans for my own home earlier?!?”

But I knew why.

Whilst mum was alive, I felt loyal to her and I didn’t want to leave her. Even though we didn’t live together, and we fought like cats and dogs and had a love/hate relationship, I was the only real stable in her life, and knew that if I left her, like my father did, and her many boyfriends, and her many other friends, I knew that mum couldn’t cope and more than likely would have committed suicide. It wouldn’t have been her first attempt.

So I stayed loyal to her by staying nearby where she could reach me whenever she wanted to seek me out. Even though I wasn’t happy with my life. It wasn’t the life I wanted for myself, but I put up with it, and I understand now why I’ve hoarded because it was how I coped.

“Maybe if I bought this, this and this, I’d like my home more”, and for a while it’d be a bandaid, but then the depression would kick in again that I wasn’t in the life I wanted and I’d go out looking for more things to fill my home with.

So much so that I was forever in debt that put me in a payment rut. No sooner I’d pay off my credit card then it’d be emptied again.

So when I started realising why I’d been hoarding, then I had to retrain myself to stop it. I looked for other reasons to “like” my current lifestyle.

Having so many takeaways helped a lot there. I might not like where I’m living, I told myself, but at least I didn’t have to cook if I didn’t want to. I didn’t give a shit that the food was fattening, dying would be a way out, so didn’t really care, and it wasn’t like I was committing suicide, just foodicide. This worked during my healthy moments… but then when I began to realise that I might not even outlive my dogs who are both seniors (I started to acknowledge this problem in recent months), then realised eating junk food isn’t the right way to go either.

So then my writing came to mind. I can focus my energy into my writing (and this is something I still intend to do wherever I go). Others needed to learn through my mistakes in my blogs, and I still wanted to be a voice for the animals in my stories and books

But it was that financial rut, poor health and past blood ties that kept me trapped here.

Mum has since passed. I don’t feel any connection or ties keeping me here. My friends (the ones I can’t drag with me to my new home) I can keep in touch with online.

My health has not improved, and it won’t as long as I’m here. As long as all the temptations are within my reach, it’s not going to get any better. And suburb living is just that, a convenience, a place where everything I want is at my beck and call, and that’s not the way to live… not for me anyway.

Learning to let go means having less expenditure also. Wanting to buy less.

And that’s why I can’t ask myself, “Why didn’t I think of this earlier?!?” Because I have.. a thousand times, but there was always too many chains holding me back.

I’ve almost broken free of those chains, with only about 5 left to break off.

And then it’s MY time to fly free, to live how I want to live whilst I’m still young enough to enjoy my life.

No more shopping sprees, no more foodicides, it’s all about sacrifice now.

“By sacrificing a lot, I will gain everything.”

– God told me this in my 20s, but back then, I misunderstood and took a wrong turn. I’m back on track now, and I know it.