Guidance

8:30pm, I felt the call of a nap. 

*************************** 

Crossing the busy road, I headed toward a crowded coffee shop. On entering, I was about to find a seat when I saw mum leaving the cashier and heading out the door, so chose to leave and catch up with her instead. 

We met up further down the road and together we walked along the street checking out the businesses. On one side of the road were mostly shops. On the other side, a cinema, a pub. Mum wanted to go into the pub, but when I peeked inside, I didn't feel comfortable there as it was mostly men. So mum decided that we wouldn't go in there after all. Besides which, I didn't think we were appropriately dressed for a room full of men. Don't remember what I was wearing, but mum was wearing one of her favourite mini dresses, much too short for this day and age. 

After a while, we crossed a narrow two lane street, and started to head home, but no sooner I walked into the front door, mum said she had to go. I pleaded with her to stay, but she said no, she had to leave. 

She gave me a hug, and said, 'I don't know if and when I'll see you again.' 

I hugged her back with everything I got, I didn't want her to go, to leave me. 

After we hugged, she left, and I never felt more abandoned by her. I felt lost and SO alone, and didn't know what to do. 

Wanting to visit a friend, but she had moved house to go to Queensland. 

Then venting to another friend, G.T, he invited me to go live with him. He had already invited another friend of mine, Meg, and was happy to share with me also.

At least I didn't have to feel alone. 

Problem is, he lived so far away. Looking at a map of Australia, I realised I had to go to the furthermost part of Australia, to the North West of Australia, just near where the islands are closest. 

I had to deal with crossing a massive, fast running river near there, and my destination was the jungle, but that's where I needed to go. 

That was the last plan I remember making… 

************************ 

…opening my eyes, I checked the time. 2:30am. 

Of course I felt abandoned! Mum died on 5th May last year, and I hadn't gotten over the fact that I couldn't say good bye to her one last time despite having the chance to. If I had only left home at 3am, perhaps if I had caught the night bus, I might have just got to the hospital in time to say goodbye to her… could I have made it in the 4 hours with minimal transport on the road? I'll never know. But have never forgiven myself for not trying. 

So I needed that hug more than anything in the world, and that's why the hug felt SO good, and why I didn't want to let her go in my dream. 

The rest of the dream would seem cryptic to anyone else, but it all made sense. Considering who my friends are in the dream, it was mum's way to tell me to continue writing. To never quit it. She loved my idea of the book I plan to write, and she wants me to write that book. It's why I saw the location on the map that I did. That was near the location for the subject of my book, and that's what I need to focus on. 

The hint to follow my friends was a subtle hint to follow my writing dream. And I greatly appreciate mum giving me that hint. 

I feel I can go on now. I needed that visit from mum. Hadn't realised it before now, but I guess I did feel lost for a very long time. I thought I was over my grief, but clearly I wasn't. 

But I no longer need to feel like the child yearning for the mother. I have my own responsibilities now in my own furkids. They ARE my children, and I need to stop pining away for my mother, and start being a proper mother to them, because that's how they look up to me. 

I know it's ok to grieve, and I tried to fast forward that grief last year to get over it and get on with life, but I guess that's not how it works. Grief takes time. I had mum for 44 years. I guess it's ok to grieve for her for more than a year. 

I can be more myself now. I don't need to be the angry, sullen person that I have become over recent months, or the over sensitive person. I can just be me. 

I can't help still living in the hope that mum will visit me again in future. I'm sure she will, but for now, I will continue to live each day as it comes, make the most of my own family, and focus more on my writing to achieve my dreams. 

Besides. It's about time "Zenith" got published so I can work on both "Spirit of the Tiger" and "Through Kitties Eyes".