It’s Not My Fault!!!

I’m so tired of being treated as the negative person in the family.

It seems, everyone that’s related to me by blood will talk me down to others, saying everything bad, never anything good, and hardly ever true.  And because I can’t be bothered wasting my time rectifying every little bloody thing that’s said about me, they believe all the bullshit that others tell them!!

I’m sick of it!!

The most recent is mum!  We had an argument over the phone.  I’ll admit, I was partly at fault, but I’m forever telling the truth to everyone and it hurts and insults me when others lie to me.  So when mum admits to lying to me about bringing her friend (who I had banned from my place because she’s a thief, which mum admitted that she was), to my place and letting her wait nearby whilst mum visits, I’m not happy!

I (stupidly I might add), accused mum of liking the friend more than me.  Okay, at the time, it was stupid, but she really does hang out with the wrong type of crowd.

Then I told her (in not so soft a voice) that I’m sorry I’ve been a bother to her!  And hung up.

…did I mention I’ve got a quick, and fiery temper?  Almost immediately after hanging up, I realised I had acted stupidly.  Mum needs friends too… even if they are liars, thieves, con artists.  Jesus walked among the low-life too, so I guess that makes mum better than me, as I have my limitations, and I have little respect for people who twist the truth to suit their purposes, and help themselves to anything within reach that’s not nailed down.

Sadly, this now includes my mum as she’s great at twisting the truth and ‘borrowing’ things.

But her most recent outburst came after my ouburst on the phone and my hanging up on her.

She decided to use MY actions as an excuse to go to the casino, and spend all her pension and not pay her rent!!

So when her landlady calls me, and tells me that mum is a month behind her rent, and she’ll have no choice but to get the locks changed if mum doesn’t pay up soon.  I told her that I’m sorry, but mum no longer listens to me, and she seems to have changed much in recent months, so that I can no longer reason with her.

But after speaking to the landlady, I thought I’d do the decent thing at least, and break our communication silence by calling mum (though her friend’s mobile as she doesn’t have one of her own), and warning her that the landlady is going to change the locks unless she pays up.

Before I get a chance to say anything, she yells down the phone that because I argued with her the other day, it’s MY fault she went to the casino, and MY fault she’s lost all her money, and because I hung up on her, she’s going to hang up on me.  So she hangs up.  Fair’s fair.

I try to ring a second time to at least get her friend to pass on the warning message, but who knows if she ever got it, since it’s her friend that also can’t be trusted.

But mum has been playing mind games with me for the past half decade at least, and I’m sick to death of them.

I’m not saying I’m perfect, far from it, but if mum’s going to gamble, she doesn’t need an excuse.. if she’s celebrating, she gambles; if she’s upset; she gambles.. she’d be dying and she’d still run off to the pokies!!!

So I’m not going to be the blame or take the responsibility for her recent bout of gambling.  I rescued her from her abusive defacto.  I kept my promise that I made as a 10 year old, that if she ever needed help, I’d happily look after her!  Well, I tried for 3 years, and she’s one of the most difficult persons on this planet to look after!!!

Everyone who doesn’t know her says she’s a charming lady!  Oh sure, she’s all sugar and spice and everything nice till you get to really know her, then you realise the spice that’s mixed in with her sugar is pretty much peri peri, and too much at any one time can wear anyone down!!

It seems, nowadays, that the people who I’m closest too, are my online friends, and friends who I’ve come closest to over the years, but when it comes to the family…  I sometimes think the siblings mum adopted out in their youth had it better than I did.

I’m just sick to death of being the black sheep of an already blackened family full of alcoholics, abusers, gamblers…

I wonder if this is how Daniel felt in the lion’s den.